Friday, March 7, 2014

My New Nom de Plume

By Marcel Borfes

The byline is me. I have decided to use it from now on as my pseudonym. And I have John Travolta and his abysmal Oscar Night appearance to thank for my new name.

Travolta’s Oscar performance will rank as one of the worst ever. But as a result of his faux pas a new term, named in his honor, has been coined – Travoltify - the mispronunciation of a name.

Travolta looked awful, by the way. Walking onto the stage, I just stared at this individual, so cute and awesome in his younger life as a wiseass teenager in Welcome Back, Kotter, star of Saturday Night Fever and Grease and a few years later, Pulp Fiction. He worked in more recent movies, and his family made headlines in 2009 when his son died.

Nobody stays young-looking forever, but the 60-year-old Travolta hit a new low as the product of Hollywood hell - the wrong side of a plastic surgery knife.

Apparently Travolta does not admit to any surgical procedures, but I cannot believe the natural aging process would make him look so – so – unnatural.

Anyway, for those who missed his brief appearance Sunday night, he introduced the singer Idina Menzel. I did not understand what he said when he announced her name, but figured I was not listening carefully.

But I was wrong. He totally messed up her name.

Everyone – specifically, the media - immediately jumped on his outrageous mispronunciation. Now several websites offer to Travoltify a name.

In other words, how would John Travolta pronounce your name if he was on stage introducing you? You can go to this site and find your Travoltified name!

My Travoltified name is Marcel Borfes.

There is one problem. Marcel is a male name. I am female. Always was, always will be.

But I like the idea Marcel is a French name. Gives me an aura, a foreign flair, an exotic, mysterious and refined air. My new nom de plume imparts a whole new personality.

I do not particularly like the last name, but guess I am stuck with it.

Now I must transform myself into a Marcel.

The first step is to review my wardrobe, discarding items that do not measure up to my new name and personality. I doubt Marcel would wear sweatshirts, sweatpants, or white socks.

I look forward to heading to the outlets and buying some tight-fitting tops and leggings. Black, of course. Marcel would not wear lose or colorful clothing.

On the other hand, I strongly doubt Marcel would be caught in an outlet store.

And makeup – I may have to begin wearing dark eyeliner, eye shadow, and mascara, and red lipstick. I have never worn red lipstick, preferring pinks and naturals. Marcel, however, is bold and expressive. The redder the better.

This is going to be difficult. I did not realize how much time and money it would take to morph this 60-something Grandma into a whole new urbane, sophisticated person.

On second thought, maybe I will stick with my given name. And wardrobe. I like most of my clothes.

My clothes and my name have suited me fine for over 60 years. 

4 comments:

  1. Hahaha! I tried the link and my new name is "Daud" which is no name at all, neither male nor female. Stick with your old name, it suits you just fine. But this sure is a fun post! :-)

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  2. I agree--it would just NOT be worth the time and expense needed to transform myself into Omar Heenry.
    You did leave off the major advantage of taking on a French persona though--French pastries.

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  3. I, too, thought I just wasn't listening closely enough. Ha! I've forgotten my Travoltified name but yes, I did check out one of those sites. Anyway, I wasn't too critical of how anybody looked after seeing Kim Novak. Horrific and sad!

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  4. I read this the other day, and thought I left a note, but don't see it now. I did not know about theJohn Travolta unforced error, because I did not watch theAA. I hate to think whate done to the gal who won the best supporting actor award.

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